How to be a stepparent audiobook is available for listening
You can also listen to the audiobook by clicking the play button below:
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How to be a stepparent audiobook is available for listening In addition to her most recommended book, "Stepparenting", Dr. Lofas also worked on an audiobook, "How to be a Stepparent" which was digitally remastered recently and made available for download through the Amazon store. The audiobook is perfect for children and adults.
You can also listen to the audiobook by clicking the play button below: Dr. Lofas was featured in the Houston Family Magazine for National Stepfamily Day.
Dr. Lofas spells it out in five steps to help a blended family thrive. 1. Build “Couple Strength.” Almost everything you do builds or takes away from couple strength. Know that you come from different points of view about many ways of doing things. Honor your differences and create new norms and forms together. The couple comes first (after you are married). A strong, supportive couple relationship sets the cornerstone and helps children build self-esteem. The couple recognizes that the family is a blended/stepfamily and knows how stepfamilies function and does not expect this family to act like biological family. Remember you are partners. It cannot and will not. He is the male head of the household. She is the female head of the household. You are partners in creating a stepfamily. Creating a stepfamily that works looks like the couple deciding on how they are going to manage all aspects of their household. Partners decide on rules, regulations, discipline styles, job descriptions, use of time, energy and money, etc. 2. Establish concrete house rules and structure. Rules need to be written in the positive form. The couple must decide on the rules and define job descriptions themselves and of each member with positive and negative consequences. The biological parent disciplines his/her children and the stepparent says, “As you know your Dad/Mom and I have decided, in this house we…” The stepparent disciplines based on rules agreed and presented to kids as a couple. And the couple must make sure the children treat the stepparent with respect. The couple must maintain their positions as male and female heads of the family. They cannot allow the children to dominate. The male and female heads of the household teach the children the models, forms and norms as to how we live and act with each other within the stepfamily. 3. The couple is in charge. The couple in the stepfamily takes responsibility for creating a predictable structure of events, manners and responsibilities for in house and visiting stepchildren. The couple agrees with each other and backs the other up so the children have consistency, which is a necessary foundation for creating intimacy and closeness. 4. Plan visitation as good co-parents (exes), parents and stepparent. Avoid allowing visitation to become a chaotic episode where the child is caught in the cross fire between ex-spouses. The bad-mouthing of the prior spouse. When we bad-mouth and put down the other parent of our children we are bad-mouthing and disparaging half of that child’s identity. Less than half of divorced parents today realize that bad mouthing their ex lowers the self-esteem of their child. 5. Ask for counseling from professionals trained to treat stepfamilies. The dynamics of stepfamilies are crucially different from the biologically connected family. The stepfamilies are now the majority of families, but not all professionals are taught about their specific behaviors in graduate school. Dr. Lofas was interviewed by Larry Bilotta of Relationship Revelation Radio, where she discussed about same sex couples and remarriage.
By: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW
Dynamics may be the same as the heterosexual couple, however the way same sex couples deal with is may be quite different. Since I have 30 years plus of expertise on SSC here are some of my insights. A good number of my clients are same sex couples:
There are hundreds of triggers in any stepfamily that can pave the way to divorce, if not addressed and normalized. For example rejection is a typical factor in the stepfamily. In my experience SSC have had to handle rejection for much of their lives and are more facile in dealing with it. But it may still haunt their union. The cardinal issue is blood vs. sex. That is to say in the intact family the force of biological connection and the sexual connection are unified. In the stepfamily these powerful forces compete. Instead of the child being a blessing to the couple it is often an alien intrusion. This true for the straight couple as well. The issue of who comes first-- the partner or the child -- further complicates this dilemma. The stumbling block may be assuaged by SSC because PLANING is generally more endemic to their survival. These few generalities clearly do not apply to all same sex couples. There may be SSC as cruel, wicked and dysfunctional as the worst heterosexual couple. This is a fascinating and exciting new area of study. Stay tuned. Author's note: There may be much for us to learn from SSC in step. Please note: As part of our ongoing study we are interested in hearing from and speaking with same sex couples in stepfamilies about their experiences and insights. We are looking to film a lively roundtable discussion. All participants will get a copy. A FEW TIPS FOR FATHERS OF DIVORCE:
1. Continue to Father. You must continue to teach and guide---even if your time with your child is too short. 2. Exact Good Manners. The father teaches rules of the game, sportsmanship, respect for others, self-discipline and persistence. "We look each other in the eye when we talk, we allow each other to finish talking before we start to talk, we do not interrupt,” and more. 3. Respect. Children must treat their father with respect in order to respect themselves. If you are partnered, know that it is often emotionally difficult for your children to look at and treat your partner, and even you, with respect. 4. Structure and Establish Positive Rules. If you are alone, decide the rules of your house. If you have a new partner, decide together on the rules of "our" house. Check out The Family Rules Book for ideas on how to accomplish this. 5. Honor your Partner’s Point of View. Know your partner's perspective. She may have a different point of view on how your children should act, but remember, women have been teaching social skills since the time of the caveman. 6. Don’t Overindulge. No time to discipline? Beware of becoming a fly-me, buy-me dad; “A Disneyland Dad." You are in good company. Most dads whose children visit are tempted just to be a pal dad. Know that kids need fathering. 7. Be Informed. If there are difficulties, give yourself the gift of information. 8. Do not Badmouth your Ex. If the other parent badmouths you? Teach your kids to handle it. Tell them they must respect both points of view and that taking sides only hurts them. 9. Remember. There are NO ex parents, only ex spouses. Co-parenting with your ex is vital. 10. Have a Happy Father's Day. Just do it! |
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AuthorJeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.
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