Forging Better Families
By
Taylor K. Vecsey
In one way or
another, Jeannette Lofas Ph. D., Westbrook University has been a member of a stepfamily her
entire life. Her parents divorced and remarried, she and her first
husband both remarried, and her second husband has children from a
previous marriage.
"My father
walking out when I was 101/2 impacted me the most," said Ms. Lofas,
who has lived part time in Sag Harbor since the 1980s.
"I only talked
to horses and dogs for two years. Both my parents bad-mouthed each
other, so I had to hold two different realities. I constantly felt
like half of me was bad," she said.
Whether it was
her own experience as a child of divorce or her experience as the
"evil stepmother" to her husband's four children, Ms. Lofas felt
compelled to write a book addressing the stepfamily issue. "I called
every therapist and no one knew anything about the stepfamily," she
said. "Living in Step," which she wrote with Ruth Roosevelt in 1976,
was the first book to proclaim that the step-related family is
dynamically different from a traditional biologically related
family, Ms. Lofas said. The book gave rise to the Stepfamily
Foundation, a not-for-profit organization the purpose of which is to
inform and counsel those who live in "re-coupled" or blended
families.
Ms. Lofas, a
certified mediator, grief counselor, and social worker, said she has
counseled thousands of people nationwide, helping them to create
successful step-relationships through mediation and compromise. Her
clients usually report changes after the first session, she said.
Small things such as children helping to clear off the dinner table
or answering questions in full sentences are sometimes the most
rewarding for families. Ms. Lofas believes that incorporating
civility and communication into the family¹s makeup is crucial.
"Civility is out
the window now. We¹re trying to bring back civility as a new system
in which families operate."
She teaches
communication skills during each counseling session. The phrase "My
reality is" is designed to help family members avoid blaming others,
while it honors different points of view. A stepmother might, for
example, say to her husband, "My reality is you don't discipline
your children."
Children are
blamed for the failure of two out of every three remarriages, Ms.
Lofas said. As a result, children lack the support to help them
"thrive or even survive society's cultural, educational, and work
systems,"Ms. Lofas says on her Web site, www.stepfamily.org.
With 1,300 new
stepfamilies forming every day, according to the United States
Census Bureau, "families aren¹t blending, they¹re colliding," she
said, adding that most children fare badly after a divorce. "Our
current system of divorce is rancorous, expensive, bad for kids, and
ugly. The divorce culture has produced disdainful, uncivil, and
neglectful adults. It is esteem-bashing for kids."
Which is why she
has teamed up with Andrea Harum Schiavoni, an attorney who lives in
Sag Harbor and Miami, to form Hamptons Mediation, a New York branch
of Harum and Harum, an alternative dispute resolution firm. Florida
requires mediation before a trial date can be set in a civil case,
Ms. Schiavoni said, as do New Jersey, California, Illinois, Ohio,
Colorado, and Alabama.
"There¹s a
definite need [in New York] for experts in alternatives to
litigation," she said, especially when children are involved. Ms.
Lofas and Ms. Schiavoni are lobbying the New York State Legislature
to pass the Child Custody Reform Act. It would mandate at least one
session of mediation in custody cases, unless domestic violence is
evident, and would create a uniform child custody dispute resolution
system in the divorce process. A litigated divorce, Ms. Schiavoni
said, can "have far-reaching negative effects" on children who "are
painfully aware" that their parents are fighting and angry with each
other. The grief experienced by those in a failing marriage is also
addressed in the mediation process.
Parents are
advised on "the art of telling the children about divorce without
blame," Ms. Lofas said. Studies have shown that children involved in
a mediated divorce "rank head and shoulders over those whose parents
litigated and dragged away appropriate cooperation and respect for
each other as parents." She believes shared parenting is necessary
after divorce. "You become divorced spouses . . . not divorced
parents," she said. Those who "co-parent" have a better chance at
developing a healthy child. "I just want the kids to be okay. That¹s
what¹s important here."
A mediated
divorce can also be quicker and less expensive than a litigated
divorce. The average mediated divorce involves six to 18 sessions
over the course of a few months, while a court divorce "can take
years," she said.
State
Assemblyman Fred W. Thiele Jr. recently endorsed the proposed act,
which is sponsored by State Senator William J. Larkin and
Assemblyman Mark Weprin. They are encouraging those who support the
bill to write their state senators. The bill is expected to come up
for a vote next June. Ms. Lofas and Ms. Schiavoni will speak to the
League of Women Voters on July 11 at 7 p.m. at the Incarnation
Lutheran Church in Bridgehampton.
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