Step 1. Recognize that the stepfamily will not and can not
function as does a natural family. It has its own special state
of dynamics and behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become
predictable and positive. Do not try to overlay the expectations and
dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the
stepfamily.
Step 2.
Recognize the hard fact that the children are not yours and they
never will be. We are stepparents, not replacement parents.
Mother and father (no matter how AWFUL the natural parents) are
sacred words and feelings. We are stepparents, a step removed, yet
in this position can still play a significant role in the
development of the child.
Step 3. Super
stepparenting doesn't work. Go slow. Don't come on too
strong.
Step 4.
Discipline styles must be sorted out by the couple. The couple,
ideally with the help of a Stepfamily Foundation trained
professional, needs to immediately and specifically work out what
the children's duties and responsibilities are. What is acceptable
behavior and what are the consequences when children misbehave?
Generally, in the beginning, we suggest that the biological parent
does the disciplining as much as is feasible. The couple together
specifically works out jobs, expected behaviors and family
etiquette.
Step 5.
Establish clear job descriptions between the parent, stepparent and
respective children. What specifically is the job of each one of
us in this household? We need to be as detailed as we are in
business.
Step 6. Know
that unrealistic expectations beget rejections and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship except for the wicked
stepchild and invariably cruel stepmother of fairy tales. Note the
absence of myth around the stepfather. It is vital for the survival
of the stepfather to be able to see and delineate expectations for
each member of the family, especially the primary issues of upset in
step: e.g., money, discipline, the prior spouse, visitation,
authority, emotional support, territory and custody.
Step 7. There
are no ex-parents . . . only ex-spouses. Begin to get
information on how to best handle the prior spouse.
Step 8. Be
prepared for conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies
within the step relationship. In the intact family, the couple
comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents,
generally pulling the parents' energy together for the well-being of
the child. In step, blood and sexual ties can polarize a family in
opposite energies and directions.
Step 9. The
conflict of loyalties must be recognized right from the
beginning. The conflict is particular to step and is a round
robin of confused emotions. Often, just as the child in step begins
to have warm feelings toward the stepparent, the child will pull
away and negatively act out. He/she feels something like this: "If I
love you, that means I do not love my real parent." The feelings are
normal and must be dealt with. The pulls of "Who am I loyal to
first?" go all the way around in the stepfamily.
Step 10.
Guard your sense of humor and use it. The step situation is
filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh
or to cry. Try humor.
© Jeannette Lofas Ph. D., Westbrook University
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