Stepfamily

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10 Steps When Your Man Has Children Your Age

by Dr. Jeannette Lofas Ph. D., Westbrook University

Step 1. Recognize that he has had many more years playing father to them than lover to you. You may have to make allowances, give him time. Remember, there are limits. You are the adult and are to be treated as such. He is their father, and to be treated with respect. Counseling will enable you to define them realistically.

Step 2. Competition often occurs between a new love and his children. You may feel like you are directly competing with them. You may be . . . you don't have to.

Step 3. If you are close in age he may treat you like one of the children. This diminishes your authority, and his too. Gently, point out how he does that. Get an agreement between both of you.

Step 4. He feels the need to "catch up" when they are together. Usually he feels that he has not had enough time with his children. Guilt may be the motivating factor. Discuss and agree on expectations about time spent with you and time spent with his children.

Step 5. The sexual bonds between you and your man may come into conflict between him and his children. The conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies within the step relationship can polarize the family.

Step 6. You may feel that his girls "come on" to him. What he calls cute, and loving may seem too sexual to you. Competition between daughter and his woman can be strong. Whose man is he anyway? You can often gain ground by giving them time together and gently clarifying with him what is sexual and what is affectionate behavior.

Step 7. Establish clear job descriptions and expected behaviors between the parent and the stepparent. What is specifically the job of each one of us in the household? We need to be specific.

Step 8. The couple needs to agree on discipline styles. The natural parent generally disciplines, the stepparent says, "in this house we..."

Step 9. The issue of money, the "buy me, do me" wants of the children, plus the allocation of money in general may come as a "negative surprise." Talk about it in a "non blaming" way.

Step 10. Guard your sense of humor and use it.

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WE CAN HELP, AND WE DO! CALL 1-800-SKY-STEP DON’T LET GUILT RUN THE WAY YOU PARENT! COURAGE IS DOING WHAT YOU’RE AFRAID TO DO. THERE CAN BE NO COURAGE UNLESS YOU ARE SCARED.” – EDDIE RICKENBACKER MANAGE YOUR HOME WITH THE SAME ATTENTION YOU GIVE YOUR CAREER ALL WARS AND CONFLICT ARISES OUT OF NOT HONORING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN OURSELVES AND OTHERS”- RUMI DON”T FIGHT IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN, TO GOVERN A CHILD YOU MUST GOVERN YOURSELF FIRST TAKE YOUR PLACE AS HEAD OF THE HOUSEHOLD THE THING THAT IMPRESSES ME MOST ABOUT AMERICA IS THE WAY PARENTS OBEY THEIR CHILDREN!” – THE DUKE OF WINDSOR WE MUST LEAD, GUIDE, AND PARENT NO MATTER WHAT THE FAMILY STRUCTURE TREAT YOUR FAMILY AS A TEAM! BE THE BEST COACH YOU CAN! CREATE FAMILY RITUALS, THEY WILL BE THE TIMES REMEMBERED FAMILY MEALS ARE A BASIC RITUAL! RULES FOR VISITATION MUST BE CLEAR, PREDICTABLE AND CONSISTANT CREATE ARRIVAL RITUALS THERE ARE NO EX-PARENTS, ONLY EX-SPOUSES! DISCIPLINE MEANS I LOVE YOU DON”T BE A PUSHOVER PARENT SMALL MINDS TALK ABOUT THINGS. MEDIUM MINDS TALK ABOUT EVENTS. GREAT MINDS TALK ABOUT IDEAS.