Step 1.The stepfamily cannot and will not function as does
the intact family. It has its own special set of dynamics and
behaviors. Once learned, these behaviors can become predictable and
positive. The tendency of many is to overly the expectations and
dynamics of the intact or natural family onto the stepfamily. Others
simply deny there is a problem.
Step 2. Be
prepared for the conflicting pulls of sexual and biological energies
within the step relationship. In the intact family, the couple
comes together to have a child. The child is part of both parents,
generally pulling the parents' energy together for the well-being of
the child. In step, blood and sexual ties can polarize the family in
opposite directions.
Step 3. The
conflict of loyalties must be recognized right from the
beginning. This conflict is particular to step and is a cycle of
confused emotions. Often just as the child is beginning to have warm
feelings for the stepparent, the child will suddenly pull away and
negatively act out. He/she feels something like this: "If I love
you, that means I do not love my real parent." The feelings are
normal and must be dealt with. The pulls of "Who am I loyal to
first?" go all the way around in the stepfamily.
Step 4.
Discipline styles must be sorted out by the couple. Be aware
that he may not dote over your children. Or, he may move right in
and become the "new Daddy" the needed disciplinarian. The couple,
best with the help of a Stepfamily Foundation trained professional,
needs to work out immediately and specifically what the children's
duties and responsibilities are. What is acceptable behavior and
what are the consequences when the children misbehave? Generally, in
the beginning, we suggest that the biological parent does the
disciplining as much as is feasible. The couple together
specifically works out jobs, expected behaviors and family
etiquette.
Step 5. Over
disciplining-- WATCH IT! As a biological mother, you can
perceive his often-needed discipline as too much too soon. This can
bring on the tiger mother or mamma bear protecting her young from
the outsider syndrome.
Step 6. Teach
him that super stepparenting doesn't work. Teach him to go slow
. . . and not to come on too strong.
Step 7. Know
that unrealistic expectations beget rejections and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship except for the wicked
stepchild and invariably cruel stepmother of fairy tales. Note the
absence of myth around the stepfather. It is vital for the survival
of the stepfather to be able to see and delineate expectations for
each member of the family, especially the primary issues of upset in
step: e.g., money, discipline, the prior spouse, visitation,
authority, emotional support, territory and custody.
Step 8.
Competition often occurs between a new love and her children. He
may feel as though he is directly competing with them. He may be . .
.HE DOESN'T HAVE TO. Sort that out. Time, energy and money
allocations -- as a couple. Recognize that you have had many more
years playing mother to them than lover to him.
Step 9.
Usually you feel that you have not had enough time with your
children and feel the need to catch up when you are together. Guilt may be a motivating factor. But discuss and agree about time
spent with your man and time spent with your children.
Step 10.
Guard your sense of humor and use it. The step situation is
filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don't know whether to laugh
or cry. Try humor - for both of you.
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