Dr. Lofas was interviewed by Larry Bilotta of Relationship Revelation Radio, where she discussed about same sex couples and remarriage.
By: Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW
Dynamics may be the same as the heterosexual couple, however the way same sex couples deal with is may be quite different.
Since I have 30 years plus of expertise on SSC here are some of my insights. A good number of my clients are same sex couples:
There are hundreds of triggers in any stepfamily that can pave the way to divorce, if not addressed and normalized. For example rejection is a typical factor in the stepfamily. In my experience SSC have had to handle rejection for much of their lives and are more facile in dealing with it. But it may still haunt their union.
The cardinal issue is blood vs. sex. That is to say in the intact family the force of biological connection and the sexual connection are unified. In the stepfamily these powerful forces compete. Instead of the child being a blessing to the couple it is often an alien intrusion. This true for the straight couple as well.
The issue of who comes first-- the partner or the child -- further complicates this dilemma. The stumbling block may be assuaged by SSC because PLANING is generally more endemic to their survival.
These few generalities clearly do not apply to all same sex couples. There may be SSC as
cruel, wicked and dysfunctional as the worst heterosexual couple.
This is a fascinating and exciting new area of study. Stay tuned.
Author's note: There may be much for us to learn from SSC in step.
Please note: As part of our ongoing study we are interested in hearing from and
speaking with same sex couples in stepfamilies about their experiences and insights.
We are looking to film a lively roundtable discussion. All participants will get a copy.
A FEW TIPS FOR FATHERS OF DIVORCE:
1. Continue to Father. You must continue to teach and guide---even if your time with your child is too short.
2. Exact Good Manners. The father teaches rules of the game, sportsmanship, respect for others, self-discipline and persistence. "We look each other in the eye when we talk, we allow each other to finish talking before we start to talk, we do not interrupt,” and more.
3. Respect. Children must treat their father with respect in order to respect themselves. If you are partnered, know that it is often emotionally difficult for your children to look at and treat your partner, and even you, with respect.
4. Structure and Establish Positive Rules. If you are alone, decide the rules of your house. If you have a new partner, decide together on the rules of "our" house. Check out The Family Rules Book for ideas on how to accomplish this.
5. Honor your Partner’s Point of View. Know your partner's perspective. She may have a different point of view on how your children should act, but remember, women have been teaching social skills since the time of the caveman.
6. Don’t Overindulge. No time to discipline? Beware of becoming a fly-me, buy-me dad; “A Disneyland Dad." You are in good company. Most dads whose children visit are tempted just to be a pal dad. Know that kids need fathering.
7. Be Informed. If there are difficulties, give yourself the gift of information.
8. Do not Badmouth your Ex. If the other parent badmouths you? Teach your kids to handle it. Tell them they must respect both points of view and that taking sides only hurts them.
9. Remember. There are NO ex parents, only ex spouses. Co-parenting with your ex is vital.
10. Have a Happy Father's Day. Just do it!
It is Mothers' Day in the stepfamily / blended family.
Despite the cards and flowers stepmothers face these daunting issues.
Did we miss anything? Tell us about you.
Some Issues and Complaints
The Stepmother may say:
Dr. Jeannette Lofas interview with Larry Bilotta on her book, He's OK, She's OK: Understanding The Differences Between Men and Women
This past week, Dr. Jeannette Lofas was featured interviewed by Larry Bilotta of Relationship Revelation Radio, where she discussed about her book : He's OK, She's OK - Understanding the Differences Between Men and Women.
Click below to play the audio:
Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW
President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.