Dr. Lofas was featured on web talk radio show called Relationship Revelation - The Secret of Mending a Broken Blended Family . The show is hosted by Larry Bilotta.
Divorced Dads: Lack of Discipline & the Phenomenon of “Not Seeing”
By Dr. Jeannette Lofas with Dr. Karen Hensel
In stepfamilies there is an ongoing phenomenon occurring with the divorced father. It is the father’s seeming inability to discipline his children.
In fact it is interpreted that many divorced fathers cease to father. This lack of discipline and/or disagreements regarding behaviors grows into a major cause of stepfamily divorce.
Divorced Dads transform into Disneyland Dads, unable to see the issues and problems generated by their children, and his own responses to them.
The behaviors are classic for millions of divorced dads when their kids visit his house. The father has no negative intent. He is simply unaware of his reactions, or lack thereof. They are driven by guilt and an unconscious “not seeing.”
What is this “not seeing?” It is literally and figuratively “turning a blind eye” to his children’s negative behaviors.
WHY the reasons would fill a book. How does his wife, the stepmother cope? With pain and passion. “Where has my champion GONE?” When it becomes too much…don’t leave get help. This is what we do, And what follows are some surface reasons how come.
Happy Father’s Day!
This year we honor: The Divorced Father Whose Children Visit.
It is a difficult task to be a father every other weekend and for a month in the summer, but father he must. This issue is a big one in our counseling; just how do we father is such a short time.
Here a few tips:
1. Fathers Must Continue To Teach And Guide
Your children need direction and love, although time is always too short.
2. Fathering Is An Art And A Skill.
Fathering as a divorced dad takes special skills. Learn them
3. Remember Good Manners
The father teaches rules of the game, to be a good winner and a good loser, respect, self-discipline, persistence and much more.
4. Children Must Treat Their Father With Respect In Order To Respect Themselves
If partnered know that it is often emotionally difficult for your children to look at and treat your partner, and even you, with the respect.
5. If You Are Alone, Decide and Structure the Rules of Your House.
6. If You Have A Partner, Work as Partners on the Rules of Our House.
Check out the Family Rules book for ideas.
7. Know That Your Partner’s Point of View Is To Be Honored.
She may have a different point of view on how your children should act, but remember, women have been teaching social skills since the caveman.
8. Watch Becoming A Fly-Me, Buy- Me, Do-For-Me Dad--- A Disneyland Dad.
You are in good company. Most Dads whose children visit are tempted just to be a pal dad. Know these kids need fathering.
9. If There Are Difficulties, Give Yourself The Gift Of Information.
10. Have A Happy Father’s Day.
And make sure you do. Perhaps, their mom has reminded the children. If not, have your partner plan a card buying time with them. If all else fails take the kids out to lunch or dinner in celebration of your day.
Be bold and enjoy the hardest and most fulfilling job of your life.
It’s All in the Eyes
By: Christina Roach
The routine is all too familiar; your stepchild comes through the front door, head down, and drops removable appendages haphazardly onto the floor only to proceed directly to his or her room without an utterance of a hello or anything else that could be mistaken as an acknowledgement of your presence. With this you feel the pit in your stomach tighten and in your mind you start catastrophizing the events of the forthcoming weekend in rapid-fire precision. All the preparation work you had done to ‘psych’ yourself up for the days that lie ahead had been nullified in a matter of seconds.
“Here we go again,” is the thought that crosses your mind, remembering the countless previous visits that had started in similar fashion. Regardless of the discussions with your partner or the carefully developed plans put into the place, the status quo continues; neither you nor your stepchild feel comfortable with the transition period back into stepfamily life when you each have had time apart in your respective other relationships. You are coming off of one-on-one time with your partner and your stepchild is shifting from the residential parent household to the one with the stepparent.
Become a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Counselor or Coach
Stepfamily Foundation Certification Seminar
New York, NY
OCTOBER 25 & 26, 2014
Pre registration $1000 one month before seminar, $1250 thereafter
The Stepfamily Foundation
310 West 85th St., #1B
New York, NY 10024
For more information call: 1-212-877-3244 or 1-631-725-0911
Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW
President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.