Stepfamily Foundation Blog featuring Articles and News from Dr. Jeannette Lofas

Ten Steps For Step Dating

4/7/2013

Ten Steps For Step Dating

Presented by the Stepfamily Foundation.
Written by Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D., LCSW

Go slow. Do not involve the children at first.

Plan the first meeting with the children. Keep it short.

When you first present "significant other" introduce as "just a friend." Children are threatened by displays of affection, especially those with any kind of sexual overtones.

Biological parents: talk to your children about your friend...what she/he is interested in and knows about, and how you both are friends. For example, "We work in the same field...", or "We both jog/ belong to the same church...." etc.

If dating with children involved: plan events so that they are NOT "child-dominated."
Conversation should be directed and managed by the biological parent and other adults.

Biological parents: give your attention appropriately to all.
A frequent complaint of dating partners is "He/she turns his back on me...only the children seem to exist when we are all together."

Do not ignore manners and discipline.

Dating couples: wait to share and compare feelings and insights until after the children have left.

Codes of acceptable behavior must be developed jointly by the seriously dating couple.
Repressed anger about the biological parent's "indulgence" and "not seeing actions of children does occur." Children do pick up hostility between the couple and may "act it out." Make an agreement to talk about it later, and not in front of the children.

Be kind about the biological parent's need to play "catch up" when she or he hasn't seen the children.
Biological parents, do be aware of this need to play catch up. The result could be over indulged children.

Ten Steps For Managing Work, Stress, and The Stepfamily

4/7/2013

Ten Steps For Managing Work, Stress, and The Stepfamily

Presented by the Stepfamily Foundation.
Written by Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D., LCSW

Know that the rules for "The Family" are different from the biological family.
It can and will not function, as does a biological or traditional family.
The Family Now" is:
1. Divorced
2. Single mothers living with their children
3. Fathers who visit their children
4. Re-coupled, Re-married Stepfamily
5. Partners where only one is a parent
6. Or, each is the parent of children from a prior marriage
Build A Strong Partnership.
A strong partnership equals a strong family. Honor each partner's point of view, no raised voices,
sarcasm, respect at all times, (no threats), "I'm leaving, equal time, time out, etc.

Discuss your different views of family - Roles, rules, duties, responsibilities, forms and norms.

Agree on the Rules of This House.
Remember children are members of two households and must be clear on the expected behaviors of both.It is OK that they are different, but must be defined in both the houses of the mother and the father. For most couples this can be a major “deal breaker. Consult the especially trained experts at www.stepfamily.org

Use Your Knowledge of Management and Job Descriptions on the Job to Create These Rules and Ways of operating in your home.
For example: jobs in the home, business etiquette = expected manners, span of control and discipline.

The Couple Agrees and Decides on the Rules
The policies and procedures.

The Partners Explain the Rules to the Children
In house and visiting children.

The Biological Parent Disciplines
Whenever possible.

If The Biological Parent Is Absent -- Stepparent Says, "In This House we…"
The stepparent is the acting supervisor, or head of household, regarding agreed upon policies and procedures.

About Money
Be clear and specific ASAP (see 10 Step to Money in the Stepfamily)

Ten Steps For Divorced Fathers

4/7/2013

Ten Steps For Divorced Fathers

Presented by the Stepfamily Foundation.
Written by Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D., LCSW

Guilt. Know that you are not alone in feeling guilty about your divorce. Most men of divorce feel guilt because they lost their family and their power as father to that family. He may also feel guilty if he believes the mother of his children is not doing an adequate job of parenting.

Make the most of your visitation. On the average, fathers of divorce and remarriage see their children every other weekend, Wednesday nights, alternate holidays and for a month or two in the summer. Visitation needs to be set precisely and specifically because children need predictability. Dad must arrive on time to pick them up and also to deliver them. Five o'clock on Friday is not five-thirty. Bringing them back on time is essential, too.

The children at your house. Your children need to become part of your household, not just guests in your home. If you are married or living with a woman, you must confer with her and decide specifically what your expectations as a couple are towards the visiting children. What constitutes appropriate behavior and acceptable manners must be decided upon by the couple. Chores must be assigned; making beds, helping with meals, keeping the bathroom clean, etc. Structure equals love. Chaos and unpredictability will create low self-esteem in a child.

Don’t be a wimp father. Most men, even the strongest and most powerful wimp-out and turn into 90 lb. weaklings when their children visit. They endeavor to be a "buddy" to their child. We so often hear fathers saying, "I see them so little, I don't want to waste time being their disciplinarian." This attitude often results in upsetting the wife or female partner as the children get more and more out of control. Remember, discipline means guidance.

Create high self esteem in your children. This is done by creating predictable expectations for your children when they come to your house. Predictable rules and regulations as to what they can and can't do will make your children feel safe and secure.

Money. It is often best when children visit to give them a specific allowance for the time they will be with you. In return for the money the child receives, he/she is expected to be a good citizen of the household, do chores, and then use the money as he or she sees fit (example: a good rule of thumb is to give your kid enough money for a trip to the movies, some time at the video arcade, a couple of slices of pizza, etc). Providing less than what is usual and customary for weekend spending will result in your having to dip into your pocket again anyway. If a child needs extra money, we advocate "extra pay for extra jobs."

Maintain couple strength. Work together with your partner. Do not argue in front of the children. Discussion is OK, but arguments are not. Be respectful of her reality as well as your own regarding the assignment of chores. Work this out between you, or seek the help of a Stepfamily Foundation counselor. The couple makes two pillars which hold the family together: she is the female head of the household; he is the male head of the household.

Discipline. The couple decides on The Rules of the House: chores and manners. The biological parent disciplines the child, whenever possible. The stepparent says, "In this house we ..."

Create a structure at your house. This requires extending The Rules of the House to all events, such as a system for helping with the dishes, yard work, making your bed, keeping your room in order, and helping adults. This structure makes it easy for kids to know what to do at your house. It does not matter that the rules are different than Mom's.
Creating a structure means creating high self-esteem. A child likes him/herself better when they know that they have done a good job and are part of a team.

Remember. You are the father and the male head of the household. Men teach children the ways of the still dominantly male hierarchical business structure.

Ten Steps To Money

4/7/2013

Ten Steps To Money

Presented by the Stepfamily Foundation.
Written by Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D., LCSW

Get the facts; unrealistic financial expectations beget real problems.
Read and understand divorce agreements. What were the financial obligations of the past marriage? Can the prior spouse be counted on to meet those obligations? In addition we need to disclose each other's salaries, expected bonuses and other assets.

Work out a budget of actual household and children necessities: education,
mortgage, rent, electric, telephone, car expenses and clothes. As a couple discuss and work at just what husband and wife define as needs and wants.

Remember each of us comes from differing point of view re money expenditures. Our family of origin values and our previous marriage values and experiences heavily impact the way we look at the step marriage and money. Sort this out. If you are fighting over money get counseling.

Work out who is exactly to pays for what and how. Will you keep one couple bank account and merge your moneys or will there be a his and her bank account and a household bank account. Depending on assets and the state laws, lawyers will advise differently. Commingle all moneys may not be wise if an ex may go to court for “an increase of child support or change of circumstances.”

Discuss discretionary wants and needs of the couple and then of each member of "in house" and visiting step children. Should upset occur Use A/B Reality Tool in the STEPPARENTING book. NOT! "You overindulge your kids," Instead, my reality is, I feel, I see, I hear. One could say, "when your kids ask you for something I hardly ever hear you say no." If money continues to cause upset, find a divorce and step literate counselor with whom to work.

At the Stepfamily Foundation we often advocate pre or post nuptials, as ugly and unromantic as it may seem,. These agreements determines such items as percentages of inheritances, who gets custody of the children in case of death, financial determinations in case of divorce, and even who does the dishes or shopping.

Teach kids how to handle money. Determine age appropriate allowances and children's household responsibilities and duties. Allowances should be used to buy lunch, comic books, games and movies. They should not be withheld as punishment, but simply delayed.

Endeavor to develop a neutral style of communication with ex’s re money. Using the child as the messenger regarding money, whether verbally or by letter delivered at visitation, is not appropriate. It divides the child's loyalties, places him in the middle and finally results in her lowered self esteem.

Do not use the child as a messenger regarding money. We know what happens to the messenger. No notes, checks or verbal messages through the visiting child. You may say I have a different point of view or a different reality than mom/dad regarding money.

After children, money is the second largest cause of break up. Learn good partnering and couple communication skills. Money is difficult, but solvable dynamic of divorce and step relationships. Building a couple partnership is vital. The couple must work things out alone, or with a qualified counselor.

Ten Steps For Joint Custody

4/7/2013

Ten Steps For Joint Custody

Presented by the Stepfamily Foundation.
Written by Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D., LCSW

Joint Custody should not be considered unless both parents are able to co-parent.
Joint custody is often awarded. It often does not work out well for the children.

Parents must be able to talk to each other and to cooperate.
They must be able to work out the children's problems, activities and visitation.

Agreements with their partners about joint custody---
Stepparents, live-in lovers and stepdaters on each side---must be clear and agreed to.

Stepparents and partners must agree on expectations, job descriptions, forms and norms. They may be different in each household. Partners must agree on the extent of their involvement during custody periods. All must know what are their responsibilities and what behavior is expected.

The visitation schedule must be cast in legal cement.
It must be exact. Children and adults need positive predictability. No negative surprises! Inconsistency is one of the worst enemies of children, and especially those who live in step.

There needs to be a Visitation Ritual" - milk and cookies or popcorn and soda- when kids arrive. We must smooth the "jolt" for children as they move between homes. The "Visitation Ritual" allows reentry time, time for parents to discuss plans and expectations.

Rules of the House and Good manners and unacceptable behavior must be clearly agree must be posted to by the couple. If you can not agree, get a session of counseling.

Childen need a place for a few of their things.
A drawer, place in the closet must be kept as "theirs." Otherwise they feel like guests and not part of our household. Keep essential underwear and socks and some clothes for them at your home.

Allocation of money needs to be agreed to by the couple.

Guard Your Sense of Humor.
The issues you fight over today may be laughed over in the future.

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Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW

President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.

Ten Steps For Step Dating

Ten Steps For Managing Work, Stress, and The Stepfamily

Ten Steps For Divorced Fathers

Ten Steps To Money

Ten Steps For Joint Custody

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