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Teens Waking Up In Dread

4/3/2018

 
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In my practice, I am seeing an ever-increasing number of teenagers who are experiencing unpanelled levels of anxiety.

Anxiety to the extent that they skip school won't leave their bedrooms and refuse to participate in any family activities. They are frozen in their fear of any and all that is uncertain.

The fear of being put in an unfamiliar situation, which they either can't handle or might trigger the feelings of anxiety. The slightest adverse event in daily life often leads to their inability to cope.  When anything negative happens, they can't seem to roll with the punches or know how to find the lesson and in the event, in failure.

Experts believe the use of social media and smartphones contributed heavily to the increase in young people's mental health issues.  Social media - the thing we can't live without is making us anxious.

Aside from looking into the predominance of helicopter parents, society placed the notion that we should only feel good about themselves without acknowledging the negativity.  Parents support the notion that children should experience only winnings, not losses. I'm reminded of my grandchild's ballet recital. At the ballet recital, all of the parents were asked to give their child a dozen roses so that would be no winners nor no losers.

In some cases, some students typically avoid a large school cafeteria and asked to eat lunch in a small classroom.

There's a connection between how some schools deal with anxious students who are worried as a generation of young people increasingly insistent on safe spaces – and who believe their feelings should be protected at all costs

For example, The School of Ethical Culture in New York City discontinued all athletic programs because it said they were "too competitive." The pervasive belief is that losing causes the loss of self-esteem.

In a nutshell, it is all about the avoidance of uncertainty and discomfort. More and more students struggle to recover from minor setbacks and are not equipped to problem solve or advocate for themselves effectively a school counselor related.

So what can you do to help your child succeed without placing so much pressure on their life?

We at the Foundation believe that  in order to develop skills to manage kids, they must be willing to fail. As experts tell us, we learn more from failure than we do from success. In pop culture standards, Rocky Balboa once said, “Our greatest glory is not in falling, but rising every time we fall.”

Ten Steps For The New School Year As A Stepfamily

8/17/2014

 

Labor Day heralds the beginning of school for families day all over America.

Just what is the American family today?

According to the U.S. Census:

• Less than 25% of families are traditional nuclear families.

• 50% are some form of stepfamily    one, or  both,  biological parents has a new partner

• 2 out of 3 break up.

Below are some tips to make it work:


10 Steps for the New School Year as a Stepfamily:
A Time To Reorganize

1. Set specific routines for the AM and PM. Prepare for the next day the night before by laying out clothes, homework, and book bags.

2. Rules, forms and norms must be decided by the both of you and written as the House Rules.

3. Decide on your roles as Male and Female Head of House.

4. Go over your House Rules as a couple. Present them for this year together in a family meeting.

5. Create structure with expected manners, chores, responsibilities and positive and negative consequences.

6. Be Predicable.  If you say it! Do it! Make a rule and enforce that rule.

7. As a couple remind and support each other in keeping order and forms and norms.

8. Remember being organized with clear, agreed upon discipline, guidance, love and encouragement is the most important job of the heads of the family.

9. Take your place as leader in your stepfamily. The children win at life when you have the courage do what you need to do to make a happy family. Enjoy the benefits and seeing the kids thrive in the new order.

10.Guard your sense of humor

Family Rules #23 - Remember That Kids Like Rules

8/14/2014

 

August is back to school month..

Rule 23. Remember That Kids Like Rules.

Good rules equal good parenting.

In our research, young people have said time and time again how much they needed family structure and clear guidelines.

Parental Guidance Should Start Young

The guidance you give your child should be age appropriate. A toddler must learn to put his toys away in the toy box before dinner or bedtime. Set boundaries early and “the terrible twos”— and indeed the rest of life—will be easier in a Family Rules home. The sooner we start letting children know, in a loving, caring way, just exactly what we expect of them and where their positions are in the hierarchy of the family, the happier, more successful, and more self-confident they will become.

So, when an eighteen-month-old child doesn’t want to put her toys away, or the two-year-old begins with the classic “No” of the terrible two’s, we must be clear. State the rules, such as “We take out only two toys at a time and put one back before we take out another,” and be prepared to repeat them for the toddler. You need not waste precious time negotiating with him or her. If the toys are on the floor, ask the toddler to put them in the toy box so you can get ready for dinner. If the answer is “No,” the simplest approach is to say firmly, “Toys go in the toy box. . . now.” If there is still no movement, say, “Mommy/Daddy will help,” and take their two little hands, wrap them around the toy to be put away, move with the child to the toy box and together drop the toy in the box. Often the child will then say, “I do it myself.” If not, keep going and then, when the toys are picked up, you praise the child and say, “What a good job you did! Tomorrow I know you will do it all by yourself.”

Rules and boundaries—what is a “yes” and what is a “no”— hold the child in a positive emotional embrace. Did you know that rules and such allegedly outmoded things as curfews give kids a sense of safety and security? Kids also like to test the rules. It’s natural to test. But it’s better to know what the rules are before you try to break them.

Read More

Family Rules #22 - Don't Forget Manners

8/4/2014

 

Rule 22. Don’t Forget Manners.
Manners Are About Intimacy, Not Forks.

Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper upbringing, a sound set of manners—and witnesses.

Manners are About Respect and Kindness
Manners and etiquette go back to the days of chivalry. Remember King Arthur’s Court? King Arthur decided that he and his knights would sit at a round table as an expression of respect for each other. King Arthur and his knights resolved to set a standard of behavior. Knights were expected to be gallant, honorable, generous, and courteous. Valor, bravery, honesty, protecting the weak, and treating foes benevolently were valued. The ideal knight was known by his gracious courtesy and high-minded consideration, especially toward women. Chivalrous and courtly manners allowed people to get to know each other better, romance each other, and be kind to one another.

Manners are indeed about being kind and not about forks. They are about creating intimacy. Not the stuff of sex, but the stuff that makes you care for and respect someone, whether he be a parent, child, friend, or lover.

What does this have to do with today’s families? Lots, because children imitate the way men and women behave with each other. The let-it-all-hang-out mode of expression has become the name of the game, and it’s regrettable. Today, language is often crude, behavior seems to have little form, and rituals may have become a thing of the past.

Read More

10 Steps For The New School Year

7/30/2014

 
Just what is the American family today?

According to the U.S. Census:
• Less than 25% of families are traditional nuclear families.
• 50% are some form of stepfamily one, or  both,  biological parents has a new partner
•  2 out of 3 break up
Some tips to make it work.

10 Steps for the New School Year as a Stepfamily:
A Time To Reorganize

  1. Set specific routines for the AM and PM. Prepare for the next day the night before by laying out clothes, homework, and book bags.
  2. Rules, forms and norms must be decided by the both of you and written as the House Rules.
  3. Decide on your roles as Male and Female Head of House.
  4. Go over your House Rules as a couple. Present them for this year together in a family meeting.
  5. Create structure with expected manners, chores, responsibilities and positive and negative consequences.
  6. Be Predicable.  If you say it! Do it! Make a rule and enforce that rule.
  7. As a couple remind and support each other in keeping order and forms and norms.
  8. Remember being organized with clear, agreed upon discipline, guidance, love and encouragement is the most important job of the heads of the family.
  9. Take your place as leader in your stepfamily. The children win at life when you have the courage do what you need to do to make a happy family. Enjoy the benefits and seeing the kids thrive in the new order.
  10. Guard your sense of humor.


The Stepfamily Foundation is a not for profit founded in 1976. It provides a membership, research, telephone counseling and Certification Seminars for Professionals and Coaches.
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    Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW

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    President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.

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