The Stepfamily Foundation Inc.
Follow us on:
  • Home
  • About
    • The Stepfamily Foundation Team
    • Stepfamily Statistics
    • Press Release
    • Privacy Policy
  • Blog
  • Counseling
  • Certification Seminar
    • Who should attend the certification seminar?
    • Why should I become a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Counselor or Coach?
    • What are the Benefits of Certification?
    • What will I receive at the Stepfamily Certification Seminar?
    • Topics and Agendas
    • Registration for Stepfamily Certification Seminar
  • Coaches and Counselors
    • Coaches and Counselors in USA
    • Coaches and Counselors in Canada
    • Coaches and Counselors in Europe and more
  • Books
  • Contact Us
  • Resources
    • Podcasts featuring Dr. Jeannette Lofas
    • Start Your Own Stepfamily Support Group
    • Stepfamily Foundation Videos

Summer Dads

6/30/2014

 
Picture

It’s Summer, and If You Are A Divorced Father,  Your Kids Are Visiting

Most children of divorce will be visiting their biological father this summer. The visits range from 2 weeks to two months. Fathers of divorce are generally re-coupled and live today in what is known as a step or blended family.

Fathers look forward to these visits with joy, and often their partners look forward to these visits with trepidation. The new partner is a stepmother, with all the complexities of that title.

We work with many fathers as to how to best handle their children’s summer visits.

Here is some of what we teach:

10 Steps for Summer Dads

  1. Schedule fun times, and schedule times of sharing: dinners all talk about good news and bad news of the day.
  2. You and your partner, Male and Female Head of House, work out The Rules of this House.
  3. Fathers and stepmothers merge their views. Rules, roles, chores, manners decided on and written,
  4. Set specific predictable routines for the AM and PM.
  5. Create structure. Be Predicable. Enforce rules. Use and positive and negative consequences.
  6. Generally the biological parent disciplines whenever possible. Dad is away: the stepmother says, “in this house your father an I have decided that ....” e.g., those towels go on the rack, dishes go in the dishwasher, coat  gets hung up  etc.
  7. Build couple strength. Respect each other's reality/point of view.
  8. Remember clear agreed upon discipline, guidance, love and encouragement is a most important job of the heads of the house.
  9. Take your place as leaders in your stepfamily. The children win at life when parent and stepparent have clear expectations.
  10. Guard your sense of humor.


We  have 4 basic rules as a starter:

In this house we.....
  1. Say hello, goodbye, please and thank you
  2. Look people in the eye when talking
  3. Allow others to finish their sentences
  4. Respect each other in what we say and what we do


The Stepfather: Classic Complaints

6/25/2014

 
Picture

The Stepfather: Classic Complaints

  • "She always jumps to the kids' defense""A man has to be King of The Castle. I feel like the house boy."
  • "She says I'm too tough. Kids who misbehave need someone to be tough with them."
  • "My wife treats me like an outsider when it comes to the kids."
  • "They need a man around here, and she and they won't let me be one."
  • "She has been too busy with her job to be a mother."
  • "I buy the kids stuff and they hardly say thank you."
  • "I feel like a third wheel when I'm with her and her kids."
  • "I must come first for this to work."
  • "I give her kids the gift of my time and no one says thank you."
  • "Here she was alone with those kids; I come in to put some order in the place...and they all reject me."
  • "I can't teach them what they need to learn from a man. She doesn't support me."
  • "It's her house, the kids were there before me, and they let me know that."
  • "I love her so much when we're alone and they're at their father's house."
  • "People write about the plight of the stepmother. What about the stepfather? "
  • "There is so much tension in the house when the children are here."
  • "Who acknowledges what I'm really feeling emasculated in my own home."

The Stepmother: Classic Complaints 

6/13/2014

 
Picture

The Stepmother: Classic Complaints


  • "Everyone in his life, his kids, his former wife, and his business come before me."
  • "He expects me to treat them as if I were their own mother, but then doesn't let me be a mother."
  • "I want a child of my own, and he's had enough."
  • "His ex calls and he jumps to her commands. It seems as though she has more influence on him than anybody."
  • "My money goes to support this family because his money goes to take care of her and them."
  • "His former wife never says thank you for any of the things I do."
  • "The children treat me like the maid; I'm expected to do everything that their mother would do for them, but without the respect they would give to her. Even the cleaning lady gets more appreciation than I do."
  • "He believes that buying them something, or entertaining, is fathering."
  • "Guilt runs his relationship with the children."
  • "His children say the meanest things to me, and my husband defends them and tells ME I'm overreacting."
  • "I think I'm becoming the "cruel" stepmother. "
  • "The worst of it is, when his children comes over, we have no sex life."

Relationship Revelation – The Secret of Mending a Broken Blended Family

6/9/2014

 
Picture
Dr. Lofas was featured on web talk radio show called Relationship Revelation  - The Secret of Mending a Broken Blended Family . The show is hosted by Larry Bilotta.


Read More

Divorced Dads: Lack of Discipline & the Phenomenon of “Not Seeing”

6/5/2014

 
Picture
Divorced Dads: Lack of Discipline & the Phenomenon of “Not Seeing”

By Dr. Jeannette Lofas with Dr. Karen Hensel

In stepfamilies there is an ongoing phenomenon occurring with the divorced father. It is the father’s seeming inability  to discipline his children.

In fact it is interpreted that many divorced fathers cease to father. This lack of discipline and/or disagreements regarding behaviors grows into a major cause of stepfamily divorce. 

Divorced  Dads transform into Disneyland Dads, unable to see the issues and problems generated by their children, and his own responses to them.

The behaviors are classic for millions of divorced dads when their kids visit his house. The father has no negative intent. He is simply unaware of his reactions, or lack thereof.  They are driven by guilt and an unconscious “not seeing.”

What is this “not seeing?” It is literally and figuratively “turning a blind eye” to his children’s negative behaviors.

WHY the reasons would fill a book. How does his wife, the stepmother cope? With pain and passion. “Where has my champion GONE?” When it becomes too much…don’t leave get help. This is what we do, And what follows are some  surface reasons how come.


Read More
<<Previous

    Topics

    All
    Articles
    Children
    Coparenting
    Divorce
    Family Rules
    Fathers
    Gender Differences
    Mothers
    Podcast
    Stepchildren
    Stepfamily Videos
    Stepfathers
    Stepmothers
    Ten Steps For Stepfamilies

    Author

    Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW

    Picture
    President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.

    Archives

    June 2022
    December 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    July 2020
    June 2020
    October 2018
    May 2018
    April 2018
    February 2017
    August 2016
    February 2016
    November 2015
    October 2015
    September 2015
    July 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    February 2015
    January 2015
    December 2014
    November 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    June 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    December 2013
    April 2013
    April 2010

    RSS Feed


The Stepfamily Foundation Inc.
334 Division Street
Sag Harbor, NY 11963

(646)789-2525
Email: stepfamilyfoundation@gmail.com
Webmaster: webmaster@stepfamily.org
Picture

Copyright  © 2023  The Stepfamily Foundation Inc.

Site design by Red Lotus Designz