Most children of divorce will be visiting their biological father this summer. The visits range from 2 weeks to two months. Fathers of divorce are generally re-coupled and live today in what is known as a step or blended family.

Fathers look forward to these visits with joy, and often their partners look forward to these visits with trepidation. The new partner is a stepmother, with all the complexities of that title.

We work with many fathers as to how to best handle their children’s summer visits.

Here is some of what we teach:

1. Schedule fun times, and schedule times of sharing: dinners all talk about good news and bad news of the day.
2. You and your partner, Male and Female Head of House, work out The Rules of this House.
3. Fathers and stepmothers merge their views. Rules, roles, chores, manners decided on and written,
4. Set specific predictable routines for the AM and PM.
5. Create structure. Be Predicable. Enforce rules. Use and positive and negative consequences.
6. Generally the biological parent disciplines whenever possible. Dad is away: the stepmother says, “in this house your father an I have decided that ....” e.g., those towels go on the rack, dishes go in the dishwasher, coat  gets hung up  etc.
7. Build couple strength. Respect each other's reality/point of view.
8. Remember clear agreed upon discipline, guidance, love and encouragement is a most important job of the heads of the house.
9. Take your place as leaders in your stepfamily. The children win at life when parent and stepparent have clear expectations.
10. Guard your sense of humor.

In this house we.....

1. Say hello, goodbye, please and thank you
2. Look people in the eye when talking
3. Allow others to finish their sentences
4. Respect each other in what we say and what we do

Dr. Lofas was featured on web talk radio show called Relationship Revelation  - The Secret of Mending a Broken Blended Family . The show is hosted by Larry Bilotta.

Divorced Dads: Lack of Discipline & the Phenomenon of “Not Seeing”

By Dr. Jeannette Lofas with Dr. Karen Hensel

In stepfamilies there is an ongoing phenomenon occurring with the divorced father. It is the father’s seeming inability  to discipline his children.

In fact it is interpreted that many divorced fathers cease to father. This lack of discipline and/or disagreements regarding behaviors grows into a major cause of stepfamily divorce. 

Divorced  Dads transform into Disneyland Dads, unable to see the issues and problems generated by their children, and his own responses to them.

The behaviors are classic for millions of divorced dads when their kids visit his house. The father has no negative intent. He is simply unaware of his reactions, or lack thereof.  They are driven by guilt and an unconscious “not seeing.”

What is this “not seeing?” It is literally and figuratively “turning a blind eye” to his children’s negative behaviors.

WHY the reasons would fill a book. How does his wife, the stepmother cope? With pain and passion. “Where has my champion GONE?” When it becomes too much…don’t leave get help. This is what we do, And what follows are some  surface reasons how come.