Stepfamily Foundation Blog featuring Articles and News from Dr. Jeannette Lofas

Stepfamily Certification Seminar October 25 & 26, 2014

4/28/2014

Become a Stepfamily Foundation Certified Counselor or Coach

Stepfamily Foundation Certification Seminar
New York, NY

OCTOBER 25 & 26, 2014
Pre registration $1000 one month before seminar, $1250 thereafter

The Stepfamily Foundation
310 West 85th St., #1B
New York, NY 10024
For more information call: 1-212-877-3244 or 1-631-725-0911

Learn More

Fight Fair

4/28/2014

Lofas Fight Fair Tool:

The "Fight Fair" a dramatic and revealing technique. It is used when the therapist feels she/he has exhausted the standard therapeutic techniques. Instructions are strict to maximize undisrupted communication. The therapist emphasizes each communication.
The surprise in this one brought tears to the eyes of observing therapists. Enjoy.

Ten Steps For Steps

4/14/2014

Ten Steps for Steps
by Jeannette Lofas, PhD, LCSW

Guard your sense of humor!

The step situation is filled with the unexpected. Sometimes we don’t know whether to laugh or cry. Try humor.

Recognize that the stepfamily will not and cannot function as a biological family. Don’t try to place the expectations and dynamics of the biological family onto the stepfamily. That’s like trying to play chess using the rules of checkers. Stepfamilies are JUST that much more complex.
Recognize the hard fact that the children are not yours and they never will be. We’re stepparents, not replacement parents. Mother and father (no matter what) afre sacred words.
Super stepparenting doesn’t work. Go slow. Don’t come on too strong.
House rules, roles, forms and norms, and discipline styles must be discussed and agreed to by the couple. The couple needs to immediately work out roles, rules responsibilities and respect. What are the children’s expected behaviors, manners and duties in this house – whether they are just visiting or living at home. For example, “we say the couple decides on the house rules, the biological parent disciplines, whenever possible, and the stepparent reminds, ‘in this house your dad/mom and I have decided that…in this house we...”
Partnering. Know that developing couple strength and the ability to partner when only one partner is the parent is perhaps the most difficult and important step.
Decide on your role, be a parent not a pal. Stepmothers are parents too. Know that the greatest enemy of a child’s well being is the lack of consistency and predictability. Divorced parents, without wanting to, bring this upon their children by trying to please, rather than being a parent. Guilt causes the parent to overindulge. The shame about the effects of divorce make a parent not a parent at all.
Know that unrealistic expectations beget rejection and resentments. There is no model for the step relationship except for the wicked stepchild or the cruel stepmother of fairy tales.
There are no ex-parents, only ex-spouses.
Sexual bonds and blood bonds are in opposition and often in conflict. In the first family the couple “pulls together” for the sake of their child. In a stepfamily there often exists a conflict as to who comes first – my child or my sexual partner?
What we call this the conflict of loyalties follows right on the heels of the opposing forces of blood and sex. However, it involves more of the extended stepfamily. The child often feels, “If I like my stepparent, then I am not loyal to my biological parent.” The conflict of loyalties goes all the way around in the nuclear and extended stepfamily.

Download How to be a Stepparent Audio Book today!

4/3/2014

This audio book is one that we highly recommend for adults and children over ten. It features actors, music and is narrated by Dr. Jeannete Lofas. Actors act out the stepfamily dilemmas and dynamics and Lofas addresses the solutions. Production values are high and it is the shortest and most entertaining of our audios.

Available for download on:

Dr. Jeannette Lofas on Blog Talk Radio

4/3/2014

We launched The Stepfamily Foundation's Radio on Blog Talk Radio with Dr. Jeannette Lofas, Founder and President of the Stepfamily Foundation. Our episode today was on The Stepmother "What happened to our love?".

Discover Family Internet Radio with Stepfamily Foundation on BlogTalkRadio with Stepfamily Foundation on BlogTalkRadio

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Jeannette Lofas, Ph.D, LCSW

President and Founder of Stepfamily Foundation, Inc., Dr. Lofas has been managing stepfamilies for thirty years. In 1995 Lofas received a presidential award for her work. Research reports that she has an 84% success rate. A stepchild and stepmother herself, she is considered to be the leading authority on stepfamilies. Dr. Lofas has written five books: Living In Step, McGraw-Hill, Stepparenting, Citadel, How to Be a Stepparent, Nightingale Connant; He's OK, She's OK: Honoring the Differences Between Men & Women, and Tzedakah, Family Rules, Kensington Books.